I thought this would be easier to write than it was. I wrote and scrapped an entire article that took too long to write of what I thought was the reason I wanted to learn game development. But it didn’t feel authentic, and it felt like it was too much of a challenge to write. That didn’t make sense to me, so I kept reading the title and wondered if there was a deeper why.

In the 4th grade, each student in my class got to display “Star of the Week” feature in front of the class with a life-sized cutout, a write-up, and a few knickknacks to show off. Among naming The Matrix: Reloaded my favourite movie (surprising, and I shouldn’t have been able to watch that), I mentioned that when I grew up I wanted to be a game designer for Nintendo (not surprising).

I brought a Gamecube controller and my very own copy of Mario Party 4 to show off. In an effort to prevent tiny-gamecube-disk theft, I remember thinking I was really clever by shoving a blue Bic pen in the little square hole at the bottom of the case that for some reason locked the case shut (I don’t know why I left the actual disc in there, I could have just brought the case).

From then until now, I never really attempted to learn game design or development, but it’s always felt like something I’d do eventually. I can theorize why I hadn’t ever given it a fair shot: Maybe I felt like it was just me holding onto something that should have grown out of by now, maybe I was embarrassed, or maybe I thought I could never actually do it.

A lot of hobbies I have come to enjoy involve being creative in some capacity: graphic design, illustration, motion graphics, video editing, music, streaming, web development, and more. But one thing I’ve noticed is that nothing I’ve created out of these have really felt like an expression of me or my experience with life. They’re just things that I really enjoy doing, and some of them I’m fortunate enough to be able to do professionally.

Often I have thoughts, feelings, or emotions that I’d love to share in a creative way that don’t really come out of any of the things mentioned above. But there are moments where after I’ve experienced something, my brain visualizes a tiny way to express that emotion via a small game or a mechanic within a game.

It’s hard to tell if there’s ever actually anything of value there, but I’ve never been able to expand on these thoughts or ideas because I’ve never had the ability to create them. They just sort of fade away and occasionally pop back up unannounced as if it’s an unfinished thought or something.

So other than the fact that I love playing games, I think that’s the the general why: to find a way to express some of the things that I wrestle with internally that I can’t in any other way.

If only 8 year old Timmy would have known. If I could talk to him now, I’d say: “Put all of your time in grinding tech skill with Fox in Super Smash Bros. Melee, people are still playing it 22 years later.” and also follow your dream, or whatever.

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Side note: This one was easier to write than the version I scrapped, but wow, this feels like trying to learn how to ride a bike for the first time. I’ve never really made an effort to learn how to write before. It takes so much effort to get anywhere, and boy does it feel rigid. Hopefully as it gets easier to write they’ll have more character and be more enjoyable to read.

If you have any pointers and would like to share, please feel free to send me an email. Anyways, if you’ve made it this far, thanks!